Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
