I can't watch pbs sober anymore
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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