Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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