Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
