i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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