Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i think i have two assholes
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
