Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
