I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
