So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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