so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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