I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i think i have two assholes
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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