I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
