It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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