I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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