woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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