the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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