I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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