I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
