Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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