I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
