if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
