Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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