You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
