I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
