I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
