Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
