I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
