I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
