yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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