i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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