i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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