this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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