at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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