Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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