I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
