I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We have started to decorate penises.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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