she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
