rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Text me some of your sweat
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
