there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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