I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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