That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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