i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I had to cum in my sink.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
