five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
