No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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