my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
