so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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