that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
