I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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