I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
