I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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