apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
